Estrangement, Loneliness and the Holidays

Have a peaceful holiday season, with a side of realism!

In May of 2018, Cigna surveyed 20,000 Americans about their feelings of connection to others. The study found that nearly half of the respondents felt lonely most or all of the time, 43% don’t feel their relationships are meaningful and 43% also felt isolated from others.

These are staggering statistics. Current research, with a large number of participants, finds that loneliness is a defining feature of American society today.

Relying on your confirmation bias, you’ll probably look around and say to yourself, well, that can’t be true. I see lots of people with big families. I see lots of families on TV. You say to yourself, “I have a big family. Shoot, there were 35 people at our Thanksgiving (Christmas, Hanukah …insert any holiday) gathering…It’s out of control how many people we are! We have a great time!”

You may even laugh about your entertaining “burden” to your co-worker.

But you really didn’t notice that she just stands there with a weak smile, coffee in hand, did you?

What do you really know about her?

The Holidays Can Intensify Loss

Loneliness is amplified during the holiday season. And the feelings of loneliness, nostalgia, stigma, shame, isolation and self-blame are exaggerated especially during the holidays, birthdays and centered around other big families.

Loneliness and family estrangement walk hand in hand. Family estrangement is a new dimension of loneliness and family life that researchers are just starting to study. So the real number of estranged parent/child/sibling relationships is unknown.

Why Estrangement Is More Common Than You Think

But we do know the statistics on sexual abuse. These statistics are staggering. 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys are victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). 94% of all CSA is perpetrated by parents, relatives (siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts) or other domestic partners of the parent. So, chances are, you probably know someone who is a perpetrator or a survivor (RAINN, 2019). And these families are rarely one big happy family. These families are estranged.

We do know the statistics on divorce. According to the Institute for Family Studies:

• 42-45% percent of first marriages end in divorce.

• 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

• 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

  
  

Each of these transitions carries significant family disruption and emotional fallout.

The study of family estrangement is new, but there are three researchers known for their work in this field: Dr. Lucy Blake of Edge Hill University in England, Dr. Richard Conti of Kean University and Dr. Kristina Scharp of Utah University.

Dr. Blake’s 2014 study in Britain indicates that 1 in 5 families are touched by estrangement. Because of her research and her personal experience with estrangement, Dr. Blake created the non-profit organization called Stand Alone to help people cope with familial estrangement. Her research results, called Hidden Voices is very powerful.

Dr. Conti’s research in the United States indicates 94% of the respondents in his small study of 134 people experienced some form of familial estrangement. Dr. Conti found his data to be indicative that familial estrangement is as nearly as common as divorce.

Dr. Scharp’s 2016 research focuses on the development of and reasons for familial estrangement. She found the reasons for estrangement are often complex. Multiple stressors as multi-generational sexual, physical and emotional abuse, denial of this abuse, divorce, addictions, mental illness, family secrets and critical parenting create a long history of corrosive and negative personal interactions that often culminate in estrangement.

Taken together, these results represent literally millions of people estranged from their families.

Estrangement Is Often About Safety, Not Failure

For them, what are the holidays for these people? They are not about celebration. They are about being left out. They’re about missing loved ones who have let them down or abused them, or faded away with a divorce.

So, be mindful there are lots of people who have families that are broken apart by sexual abuse. And the estrangement that people experience for not having a well organized family is very painful.

It's hard to believe, but read some of these real life stories collected by The Loneliness Project on BuzzFeed. These are the stories of real America. These are real stories, from people whose families are changed from divorce, drug abuse, illness, death, or whole families were abusive physically or emotionally. Or these people are just different ..being gay, non binary or even one the “wrong” end of the political spectrum is just not acceptable and they’ve been shunned from their families.

Before sharing holiday stories loudly and joyfully, it may help to pause for a moment. Many people experience the holidays with profound loneliness.

If the holiday season feels overwhelming, you may also find perspective in Have a Realistic Holiday, which explores why the season is not joyful for everyone.

Tips for Facing the Holidays for Sexual Abuse Survivors

The holiday season can intensify memories, emotions, and relational stress for survivors of sexual abuse—especially when family dynamics are complicated or unsafe. There is no “right” way to get through the holidays. What matters most is your sense of safety and emotional well-being.

• Give yourself permission to opt out.You are not obligated to attend gatherings that feel triggering, unsafe, or overwhelming. Choosing distance is not selfish—it can be an act of self-protection.

• Redefine what the holidays mean to you.The holidays do not have to revolve around family traditions that no longer fit. Creating new rituals—quiet, meaningful, or solitary—can be deeply grounding.

• Limit exposure to triggering conversations.You are not required to explain your choices or disclose personal history. Simple boundary statements are enough.

• Plan ahead for emotional spikes.Anticipating difficult moments allows you to put supports in place, such as check-ins with a trusted friend, therapist, or grounding practices.

• Seek connection on your own terms.Connection does not have to mean family. Chosen family, community spaces, volunteering, or time in nature can offer meaningful connection without emotional risk.

• Honor your body’s responses.Fatigue, irritability, sadness, or numbness are common trauma responses during the holidays. These reactions are not failures—they are signals that your nervous system is under strain.

• Reach out for support if needed.Survivor-centered organizations and confidential resources can provide validation, information, and support if the season becomes overwhelming.

  
  

Above all, remember that your worth is not measured by participation, cheerfulness, or family harmony. Protecting your emotional safety is a valid and necessary choice.

References

Blake, L., Bland, B., & Golombok, S. (2015). Hidden Voices: Family estrangement in adulthood. Retrieved from https://www.standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalReport.pdf

Conti, R. P. (2016). Family Estrangement: Establishing a Prevalence Rate. Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science, 3(2), 28–35. https://doi.org/10.15640/jpbs.v3n2a4

Scharp, K. M. (2016). Parent-Child Estrangement: Conditions for Disclosure and Perceived Social Network Member Reactions. Family Relations, 65(5), 688–700. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12219

Institute for Family Studies (2019), What is the divorce rate anyway? https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-is-the-divorce-rate-anyway-around-42-percent-one-scholar-believes/

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, RAINN (2019), Children and Teens Statistics of Sexual Abuse https://www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens