Reclaim, Rebuild, Recover: How to Heal From Narcissism

You can heal from a narcissistic relationship

Meta Description: Narcissists often tear down the self-esteem of those they are in relationships with. Explore how to heal from narcissism and promote your mental health.

Removing yourself from a relationship with a narcissist is a big first step in taking back control. However, it’s important that you take the time to heal from the relationship in order to preserve your mental health.

Narcissism in a partner can eat away at your self-esteem, sometimes without you realizing just how much has been chipped away—it’s possible to move on, though, and start down the road of self-healing.

How to Heal From Narcissism

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can throw your perception off its axis, leaving you unsure of how to cope as you heal.

It’s common for survivors to first idealize the narcissist since narcissists often engage in ‘love-bombing’ at the beginning of the relationship. They’re overly charismatic, which can make it all the more confusing when their attitude toward you shifts. You’re left feeling as though you hold the blame for their personality shift—you don’t.

If you’ve realized that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you can follow these steps to promote self-love and healing.

Flip the Switch - Devalue & Discard the Narcissist

Narcissists commonly employ the devalue and discard tactic on those they’re in a relationship with, but you can flip the switch to support your mental health.

In the beginning of the relationship, narcissists often make their partners the center of their world with frequent contact and by showering them in flattery and praise. It can be easy to become reliant on their approval, which makes their devaluation through critiques, covert and overt put-downs, or even the silent treatment when you fail to meet their standards all the more difficult to withstand.

Shahida Arabi, author of Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, talks about the Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase that narcissists often employ, as well as how you can take back control.

Recognize that the narcissist is not someone to idolize or a person whose good opinion you need in order to survive. Then, extract yourself from the relationship so that you may learn to heal without their constant put-downs.

It’s important that you’re aware of what can happen when you discard the narcissist first, though; they may turn to stalking, harassment, devaluation, post-breakup triangulation, threats, or smear campaigns. Being aware of these possibilities allows you to take the proper precautions.

Reverse Gaslighting

Narcissists often utilize gaslighting to convince someone that their perception of the abuse is inaccurate. As Shahida Arabi explains, they may say “You provoked me,” “I never said that,” or “You’re too sensitive.” This may cause you to think that the abuse is your fault or never took place.

To heal from a narcissist, you have to reverse gaslighting. Acknowledge the abuse that occurred and don’t allow any thoughts of “I don’t believe you” or “That’s not what happened.”

Re-Idolize And Supply Yourself

When narcissists tear down your self-esteem, you’re left in a place where you have to rebuild it brick by brick. Start by re-idolizing yourself and finding all the good qualities that you were tricked into believing no longer existed. Then take time to supply yourself with positive affirmations that you can pull out whenever you need some self-love.

Creating a False Self

It can be hard to pull away from a narcissist, which is why it can help for you to create a false self. In this way, you can act like the type of person who is capable of leaving a narcissistic relationship until you truly feel like you’re capable of it. In this case, a “fake it until you make it” attitude can help you build up your self-love.

If you’re unsure of how to create a false self or otherwise heal from narcissism, don’t be afraid to seek out help. Kathy Morelli, LPC, is currently accepting new clients and practices online using the HIPAA-compliant app called Doxy.me. Kathy accepts most insurance plans.

Please contact Kathy via her Psychology Today profile.