Tips for Facing the Holidays for Sexual Abuse Survivors

Trauma survivors are made particularly anxious by the hoopla around the holidays.

Because of the fear and pain created by emotional and physical abuse, the nervous system of a trauma survivor is already on high alert, armed to scan and protect from potential danger.

The extra stress of social gatherings (even happy gatherings) with the accompanying sensory and emotional inputs inflames a nervous system whose set point is already uncomfortably high.

The sensory input at a social gathering is challenging. The accompanying noise of multiple conversations, loud laughter, small and larger disagreements, the smell of alcohol and food, watching and participating in overeating and overspending, the lighting: all challenge the nervous system’s ability to filter out this input and remain within a comfortable emotional range. The sensory input – and even “just” the over-stimulated feeling state – can trigger emotional and episodic memories of physical and emotional abuse.

Returning to see people who know about your history - even if they are kind and understanding - or back to a place where the emotional or physical abuse occurred can initiate a cascade of emotional memories. These memories cn be accompanied by a confusing mix of anxiety, anger and shame will usually accompany the memories. This can be overwhelming and initiate the physiological responses of fight, freeze, flight and even faint.

Understanding this context helps explain why the holidays can be especially difficult for trauma survivors.

What My Clients Say Is Most Anxiety-Provoking About Family Gatherings

My clients say these things are what makes them most anxious about family gatherings:

• fears that family members will belittle them for their feelings

• shame about what happened to them in the past

• being overwhelmed by sensory input (noise, smells, lights)

• angry discussions about politics or family matters fueled by alcohol

• feelings of being cornered and trapped and like they can’t get away.

These insights come from many hours of clinical sessions with childhood sexual abuse (CSA) survivors. They are wise people who’ve worked hard to learn to hear their inner voices and honor their needs.

We’ve often talked about how guilt and wanting to please others might get in the way of their ability to take a break from the festivities, practice self-awareness and self-care and step away.

You may also find it helpful to read Have a Realistic Holiday, which explores why the season can feel difficult even when it looks joyful from the outside.

Practice Self-Care - its ok!

• Reframe guilt about limiting holiday time as a healthy boundary that protects your emotional well-being.

• When feelings of shame come up, take a break, practice kind self-talk and self-kindness. If you need to step away, do so.

• If you have a partner or a spouse who is part of the festivities, enlist their support a few weeks before the event(s). Don’t wait until the last minute to discuss these issues, as they can be emotional.

• Develop your plan to limit the amount of time spent at a family gathering.

• Bring your IPAD and take a break in another room to decompress.

• Be choosy about the invitations you accept: limit them severely

• 2 or 3 events a week for 2 -3 weeks (added to regular work & family schedule) will likely add up to too much stimulation for your nervous system

• Limit the amount of alcohol you drink, or make an explicit decision to drink only water / juice

• If you notice dissociation beginning, use your go-to grounding exercise. A simple one is the 5 Senses practice: name something you can touch, see, hear, feel in your body, and see again

• If the sensory input gets to be too much, literally quietly exit the room and go to a quiet place. Go for a walk.

• Have a preset departure time you are going to leave plus a preset neutral reason for doing so, if you are pressed to stay. Just make something up to say, so you eill have a neutral excuse. No need to have a long discussion about your mental and emotional health. Work this out in advance with any one who is accompanying you. And just stick to it.

Takeaways

The holidays can be demanding, overstimulating, and emotionally complex—especially for survivors of sexual abuse. If this season feels harder than it looks from the outside, there is nothing wrong with you. Your nervous system is responding exactly as it learned to in order to stay safe. Choosing realism, boundaries, and self-care is not a failure of holiday spirit—it is an act of self-respect. You are allowed to move through this season at your own pace, in ways that protect your emotional well-being.

Some people find it grounding to have these ideas in one place. A one-page printable version is available below.

Free Printable: Holiday Self-Care for Survivors

Additional articles related to boundaries, family dynamics, and holiday stress can be found in our healthy relationships section.

Survivor-centered organizations such as RAINN offer confidential information and support for those impacted by sexual abuse.