Interview with PsychCentral (archived) Codependent Relationships

Originally posted July 7, 2016.

Topic: Codependency, mindfulness, and the examined life

Kathy Morelli, LPC

This interview originally appeared on PsychCentral several years ago.

The original article is no longer available online, so the full interview is reposted here for archival purposes.

What do you mean by an “examined life”? What does this look like?

The examined life refers to a quote credited to both Socrates and Plato:

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

To lead an examined life is to do the emotional work of consciously seeking insight through psychotherapy and other forms of inner exploration in order to increase self-awareness and self-worth.

To live without reflection or self-growth can begin to feel empty and meaningless. Taking time to reflect on your actions and choices creates meaning and is a sign of developing emotional complexity and psychological health.

Doing the emotional work is not easy, but it is essential for growth.

Why is it important to live in the moment when navigating a codependent relationship?

Part of emotional health is learning to live mindfully in the present moment.

Practicing mindfulness reduces thoughts such as:

• “What if…”

• “Why did I do that?”

• “How could I have fixed this?”

These past- and future-oriented thoughts increase symptoms of worry, anxiety, and depression.

In a codependent relationship, people often create internal assumptions about what another person is thinking or feeling. Mindfulness helps a person stay focused on what is actually happening in the moment — noticing what is happening inside oneself and what is actually being said — rather than worrying about what might have been or what could be.

“The codependent person has a diffuse sense of self and operates from a false self that is organized around the ‘other.’”

What is an example of living in the moment that relates to this?

Jane is talking to Tim. Tim asks her where she wants to go to dinner.Jane becomes anxious, and multiple scenarios rush through her mind.

She wonders if she should say she wants Chinese food, but worries Tim may not like it.She thinks about suggesting seafood, but worries it may be too expensive.She worries he will be disappointed or upset with her.

Instead of simply responding in the moment, she becomes overwhelmed and says,“I don’t know, anywhere you want to go.”

It is not always codependent to say this.

What makes it codependent is the emotion beneath the words — fear, confusion, anxiety, and fear of rejection or abandonment.

What is an example of mindfully navigating a practical solution?

In the same situation, if Jane had been pursuing an examined life and practicing mindful awareness, she could notice her anxiety and sort out her insecurities.

With enough emotional work, she could let her true feelings come forward and say:“I’d like Chinese food tonight. How about you?”

Instead of playing out several emotionally charged scenarios in her head, she would be responding from her present-day feelings.

How can readers start practicing non-attachment to another person’s reactions?

To free yourself from codependency, you must commit to doing emotional work and developing a solid sense of self.

The first step is becoming conscious of patterns of control and enmeshment.This awareness usually develops through psychotherapy and other forms of introspective work.

One exercise that can help is the Bubble of Peace exercise:

Take a deep breath and imagine a soft protective bubble of light surrounding you, front and back, like a gentle, loving blanket.

Imagine that this bubble only allows positive energy through.

Say to yourself:

These are not my feelings.These are not my thoughts.I am a separate person.I am allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings.My voice matters too.

This exercise helps create emotional separation while still allowing connection.

What is codependency?

A codependent person does not function from his or her innate self.He or she becomes other-focused rather than self-focused.

The codependent person responds emotionally, psychologically, and behaviorally around another person’s needs or around an addiction.

The codependent person often has a diffuse sense of self and operates from a false self organized around the other person.

What are examples of codependent relationships?

Helping another person is not necessarily codependent.

Example of codependency:

Jane’s mother has Alzheimer’s disease and can afford help, but Jane refuses to allow anyone else to care for her.She becomes exhausted, irritable, and overwhelmed.She has little time for her husband or child and neglects her own needs.

She feels responsible for everything and cannot let go.

Healthier example:

Pat’s mother also has Alzheimer’s disease.Pat hires an aide, even though it is emotionally difficult.

She finds a balance between caring for her mother and caring for her own family.She makes time for rest, friendships, and self-care.

She still feels sadness, but she does not lose herself in the process.

What are telltale signs that you’re in a codependent relationship?

The codependent person is constantly focused on the other person and becomes overly concerned with the partner’s feelings.

He or she twists into a pretzel to avoid conflict, feels like they are never doing enough, and often experiences guilt, shame, or self-loathing.

Sometimes the partner reinforces these feelings through criticism or cruelty, and the codependent person feels unable to respond or leave.

How can people set boundaries in these relationships?

Recovery from codependency is possible, but there is no simple five-step solution.

Healing depends on living an examined life.

This involves developing emotional self-knowledge through psychotherapy and introspection, and learning new social and relational skills.

Simply saying “no” is a beginning, but it does not heal the underlying emotional patterns.

To develop a solid sense of self, a person must let go of denial and commit to personal growth.

What are other healthy ways of navigating codependent relationships?

Healthy skills include:

• developing self-acceptance while building self-responsibility

• practicing mindfulness and living in the present moment

• avoiding blame of self or others

• focusing on practical solutions centered on yourself rather than the other person

• practicing non-attachment to another person’s reactions

• making decisions based on your own values

Anything else you’d like readers to know about codependent relationships?

Codependent relationships often feel painful rather than calm.

People may minimize the painful aspects of the relationship and feel powerless to change it.

Over time, resentment, anger, criticism, and contempt can develop.

The goal of healing from codependency is to feel like a whole person —

to develop true self-respect, self-love, and a stable sense of self.