Bullied as an Adult: Making Sense of Mean-ness ?

For the American Psychological Association’s Mental Health Month Blog Party, I chose to write about a topic we don’t talk about enough: being bullied as an adult.

This is my experience of moving into a comfortable suburban neighborhood in northern New Jersey — and discovering that exclusion doesn’t always end after adolescence.

Eleven years ago, my husband and I stretched our budget to move into a town with a good school system. Like many families, we hoped to build community and friendships.

We drove practical cars — a Chrysler and a Ford — and held onto them until they were truly worn out. We didn’t renovate our kitchen because what we had was perfectly fine. I felt grateful for what we had.

Still, I wanted what most people want when they move somewhere new: connection.

My son was in second grade, and I began reaching out to other mothers to set up playdates. I called one woman, who told me she was too busy putting in a new kitchen. I tried others over the next weeks and months, but the responses were similar.

I felt confused and hurt — like I was back in junior high, standing outside the circle.

At night, I cried and wondered what was wrong with me.

Trying to stay engaged, I volunteered as class mom and joined school activities. Eventually, one woman told me plainly that people already had enough friends and didn’t need any more.

That was painful to hear, but it clarified the unspoken rules.

I kept trying. I joined a women’s club, hoping to find connection.

One afternoon, a neighbor invited me to a luncheon with her visiting mother. I felt genuinely happy to be included. But after we arrived and sat down together, she left to join her friends at another table, leaving me with her mother — who was kind, but a stranger.

I felt deeply alienated.

Over those first years, I cried often.

And I was an adult with a strong identity, a supportive marriage, and a stable life — which made me think about how devastating exclusion must feel for children and teens who are still forming their sense of self.

These experiences shaped me as a therapist. They deepened my empathy.

Because bullying hurts — at any age.

Understanding Suburban Bullying

Social exclusion among adults is rarely discussed, yet it can be profoundly painful. It may be shaped by:

• Social hierarchies and status signaling

• Internalized sexism

• Cultural messages about belonging

• Fear of difference

• Unexamined group dynamics

Whatever the cause, exclusion can erode self-esteem and create loneliness.

Protecting Your Mental Health

Mental health is an ongoing process.

Self-respect is hard-won.Healthy boundaries evolve over time.And supportive relationships nourish emotional well-being.

Today, I know clearly who my true friends are — and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful May, and celebrate your mental health.

She quickly walks away to another table, where her friends are.

She takes the last open seat, sits down, and starts laughing.

Let me just say that her mother was a perfectly nice lady for me to have lunch with.

Mental Health is a work in progress, self-respect is hard won, healthy boundaries need to continually be refined and healthy relationships enhance mental health.

Have a Beautiful May and Celebrate Your Mental Health!

Today I sure know who my friends are.

Reference

Holiday, E. and Rosenberg, J.I. (2009). Mean Girls, Meaner Women. New York: Orchid Press.