Friendship in a Lonely World
- Kathy Morelli
- Feb 6
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 25
What does research say about friendship?
Many people worry they don’t have enough friends. In reality, most of us are wired for a small circle of close relationships.
Research into human connection shows that our relationships tend to organize themselves in predictable, and surprisingly comforting, ways.
I get alot of questions about friendship in my psychotherapy practice. People ask me why they don't fit in to the larger social groups in their communities. They say they often feel lonely and hurt. I empathize with their feelings. And then validate that their feelings are in line with what Cigna researchers found in 2018 - 2019, out of 10,000 Americans surveyed, 1 in 3 said they were lonely.
Many people are surprised—and relieved—to learn that research suggests humans are wired for a relatively small number of close relationships. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar describes how most of us maintain only a handful of truly intimate connections, even if we have many acquaintances.
What does the research show us about friendship?
Dunbar's Number
Friendship has been studied for decades. Robin Dunbar is an Advanced Researcher at Oxford University and is one of the world's most cited experts in human friendship. He first performed his anthropological research in the 1980's on primate groups, when he studied how primates form relationships in their social circles. He expanded his observations to include human relationships. Over the decades, Dunbar has created a broad base of quantitative data informed by qualitative information gleaned by interviewing the research subjects about their relationships.
Over the years, Dunbar found that humans have relationships that are, on average, limited to 150 personal relationships, but few intimate relationships. His research with primates also found this to be true. Of course, this average number varies by individual. Some individuals are naturally more extroverted than others and some more introverted.
Many people assume that healthy social lives mean having lots of close friends—but human relationships don’t actually work that way.
The Natural Structure of Social Circles: Close Friends, Casual Friends, and Acquaintances
The structure of these social relationships is like a circle. The closest circle is composed of 1 -2 people...an intimate partner and a BFF. Having a BFF as well as an intimate partner in the first circle was a more consistent pattern for women than men.
The next circle is composed of 5 good friends. These are people we feel close to and are in contact with at least once a week.
The next circle is composed of 15 people, who are monthly contacts. The layer is of 50 people..those we see maybe very 6 months.
The outer circle of 150 are people we contact once a year, like maybe for weddings, etc. Keep in mind that the larger circles are inclusive of the inner circles, meaning, the inner 5 are actually part of the next 15, and so on.
What does this mean to lonely people?
Further, adding to Dunbar's data, researchers from all over the planet have studied patterns of contact using data from literally trillions...yes trillions! of phone calls and texting records and patterns of contacts in various real life communities, such as camps, churches, and residential communities. With these mountains of data, researchers analyzed and quantified who people contacted with and how many times a day/week/month/ etc. Take a look at the chart below. The same numbers that Dunbar came up with.
What this means is that most people have a very small inner circle of truly supportive friends. Understanding this can help reframe assumptions about how “popular” other people are. In reality, most people do not have a large number of close friendships.
People who go out frequently are often socially skillful and have cultivated a wider outer circle of acquaintances or casual friends to draw from for social activities. This kind of social ease is different from having a few close, emotionally supportive relationships.
Another interesting finding from Dunbar’s research is that when a close relationship changes—such as when someone moves away—another person is often gradually drawn into that inner circle.
This suggests that humans are wired for close connection and are surprisingly resilient in relationships. Over time, we naturally reorganize our social circles, deepening some connections while allowing others to move outward, depending on life circumstances.
With intention and patience, it’s possible to cultivate a few meaningful friendships through consistent contact, shared activities, and common interests.
Takeaway
In a culture that celebrates endless social connection, it can be quietly reassuring to remember that most people thrive with just a few meaningful relationships. Small, meaningful circles protect us from loneliness and dysregulation. Friendship isn’t about quantity—it’s about feeling known, safe, and able to be yourself with another person.
Real friendship requires skill. If you’re reflecting on that, you may want to read more about what it means to be a good friend.
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References
Denworth, L. (2020). Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Dunbar, R. (2021). Friendship-ology. New Scientist, 249(3324), 36–40. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0262-4079(21)00379-1
Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Dew, M. A., Escobar-Viera, C. G., & Primack, B. A. (2018). Social Media Use and Depression and Anxiety Symptoms: A Cluster Analysis. American journal of health behavior, 42(2), 116–128. https://doi.org/10.5993/AJHB.42.2.11
Vannuccia, A., Flannery, K. M., McCauley-Ohannessianac, C. (2016) Social media use and anxiety in emerging adults. Journal of Affective Disorders. 1 January 2017, Vol(7), pp. 163-166
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