Is Verbal Abuse Really Abuse?

It was a few months before Sarah felt she trusted me enough to reveal what she felt was her deepest internalized shame.

Initial consultation

Sarah came to therapy at the suggestion of her primary care physician, who had prescribed an anti-anxiety medication and encouraged her to seek counseling. She described persistent anxiety, frequent tearfulness, increasing irritability, angry outbursts she struggled to control, and disrupted sleep — “for no reason,” as she put it.

When I asked what she thought might be contributing to her emotional state, Sarah began by saying she was happily married. Her husband had a good job and was generally respectful. They hoped to have children but had not yet started a family.

We also discussed her history. Sarah grew up in a household with alcohol and marijuana addictions. Also, she had been the victim of a date rape in college, where the perpetrator had “roofied” her drink.

She said she had acute awareness about these issues, thought about these situations often, but had not processed them in counseling as of yet.

Structure of therapy

Sarah decided she felt comfortable enough with me to move forward with therapy. I described the therapy as consisting of talk therapy incorporated with Somatic Experiencing® work. These tools allow access to the younger self’s feelings of abandonment and fear via non-verbal body memories. Once accessed and explored, these insights could be felt and verbalized, and integrated into the container of her present adult self.

Personal History: Early Trauma and Neglect

In the first sessions, we talked about her family of origin, her mother’s addiction and angry emotional outbursts, verbal belittling and general neglect. As a young child, Sarah often had to fend for herself for food. She recalled having to scrounge up rides to and from school events and often being scared and walking long distances after being left somewhere unfamiliar without a ride home.

Her parents were so wrapped up in their own problems that sometimes neither one went grocery shopping and there wasn’t food in the house. So, she sometimes went to school hungry, without breakfast. At least once or twice a month, she wouldn’t have lunch money and she’d go hungry the entire day. Her parents weren’t involved enough to sign up for the school lunch program that was available for families in need. She’d witness huge fights and run up to her room to hide to get away from the angry voices.

Sarah learned early to be self-reliant, quiet, and adaptable — traits that helped her survive childhood but later complicated her adult relationships.

Other layered issues – trauma and shame from date rape

In subsequent sessions, we then explored the traumatic memories and feelings of shame from a rape incident. Sarah described how naive she was, at the age of nineteen. She was a freshman, living at her college dorm. She had been at a party in her dorm and was with two friends. She went with them to a mutual friend’s room, another boy, to wind down the evening and talk and rest.

However, this person manipulated the situation so that she was alone with him in his room, where he put drugs in her water bottle and raped her.

When Sarah woke up a few hours later in bed with him, he behaved as though the act had been consensual. He said to her, “Hi! Don’t you remember what happened? You came back here with me…” She had no memory of what happened, but her clothes were all off. She was shocked and scared. Confused and ashamed, she wondered if she had, indeed, come to the room and consented to sex.

Sarah said she was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened. She felt as if the whole incident was her fault. She felt no one could be trusted. The world seemed a terrible, lonely place. She became depressed and her grades suffered. Eventually, she went to the college campus counseling center for help. She stopped out of college for a while, but eventually finished her degree.

She never shared this incident with her family or with any of her friends. Her home was still unstable. But, as an adult, she had a place to live. She coped by avoiding the house as much as possible. She could work part time and get her studies done part time.

In therapy, we processed the incident slowly, on and off, at her own pace.

Slowing things down in therapy

It took time to form a solid therapeutic relationship. Sarah was more and more comfortable about sharing the incidents of her life that felt shameful to her. She found she wasn’t judged.

But her anxiety was still interfering with her life.

Despite progress in therapy, Sarah’s anxiety remained significant. Long-term anxiety often reflects cumulative trauma rather than a single event.

Present Day Issues

One day Sarah came in visibly distressed. She was on the verge of tears. Haltingly, she described what happened at home. She said that she and her husband had gone out with another couple for dinner. At the dinner, her husband had needled her about her housekeeping, in front of their friends. He made several veiled references to how she didn’t vacuum often enough and left her clothes out.

Is This Really Abuse?

When they got home, she asked him why he had brought things up like that in front of their friends. He laughed at her and then said, “Oh, Sweetie, I’m only kidding, I just wanted to see your reaction.” Then he abruptly switched to physical affection and guided her onto the bed.

She felt confused..is this what love is supposed to be, she asked herself…? She felt uncomfortable and kind of numb, but couldn't name it and eventually acquiesced.

Sarah slowly revealed bits and pieces of what her daily married life was like. Somehow, she said, she gets blamed for everything. Sarah said that she felt like something was wrong, but she wasn’t quite sure what it was. She felt like she was trying to be good enough to make her husband approve of her, but whatever she did, it wasn’t enough to get him to approve of her.

Is This Normal? Is This Healthy?

Sarah wanted to know if this pattern in marriage relationships was normal.

I gently told her I thought what she was describing was verbal and emotional abuse. I said that it was possible that other relationships could be different and that she herself actually deserved to have a better marriage relationship.

I gently suggested it might be more useful to ask “Is this healthy”

We went through a list of some behaviors that are sometimes difficult to identify, but actually are considered verbally abusive behaviors. These behaviors overlap. The goal is power and control in the relationship.

Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse often centers on power and control. These behaviors frequently overlap.

1. Pretending it was a joke

“Oh, I was just joking, you’re too sensitive.”

Sarah’s husband would habitually belittle her in front of other people. When she would ask him about it later on, he would backtrack, and say he was just joking and she was too sensitive. And then teasingly use sex to change the subject. He was conflating humor, affection and sex in an emotionally confusing mash-up. He was establishing power and control in the relationship and building himself up at Sarah’s expense.

2. Gaslighting

“I never did that..You’re imagining that.”

Gaslighting is a major way to manipulate and maintain power and control in a relationship. Sarah’s husband would make plans for them to go out to dinner or even plan a vacation, then act as if he never made those plans with her. She would be ready to go out to eat, or even make plans at work to take time off, and he would act as if he never made those plans. He would actually say to her, “I never said that” or “You’re imagining that. I didn’t say I wanted to go to Maine the second week of July. Why would I do that?” Sarah would then be thrown off kilter and doubt her own perceptions.

The term gaslighting is taken from the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” wherein a criminal marries a woman for her extensive jewelry collection. With the goal of eventual theft of the jewels, he covertly manipulates the lighting and their belongings, and causing her to think she's losing her sanity.

3. Discounting Your Thoughts and Feelings

“You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Sarah’s husband would subtly put Sarah down when she brought up almost any issue. He opposed her about everything. Discussions about diet, fat, vitamins were frustrating and she always felt put down and shut down. His way or the highway. Political discussions were particularly difficult. But Sarah was at a point in her life where she felt she needed to become a more informed voter. When she finally asserted herself with well-researched views, her husband shut the conversation down rather than engage.

A note about couple’s communication skills:

Couple’s communication skills are powerful tools — but they work best in relationships grounded in mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared responsibility. When one partner uses humiliation, denial, or control, communication techniques can become confusing or even harmful rather than helpful. In those cases, clarity and boundaries come first.

Gaining personal power

Sarah had actually gained some personal power in the relationship.

Naming these patterns was a turning point. When Sarah calmly described them to her husband, he was initially defensive but ultimately acknowledged going too far. He expressed a desire to salvage the marriage, and they agreed to pursue couples counseling.

Whether or not a relationship continues, recognizing abuse restores agency. For many people, simply understanding that verbal abuse is abuse is the first step toward healing.

If your relationship feels emotionally safe, you may find communication tools like Taking A Break helpful.