Book Review: We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert

Pregnancy and infant loss is a deep, primal loss that affects the whole family

Helping Children Cope When the Family Has Infant Loss

A pregnancy loss is a primal, deep loss. And often the parents dealign with this devastating loss have other, young children who were looking forward to having a little brother or little sister. There is help available, in this time of pain, for parents who need to find ways to answer their surviving children’s questions about death and help them cope with their emotions. Pregnancy and infant loss is a family event.

Children best express their emotions using right-brain activities like play, drawing and story-telling. Books are a great resource for parents to help their children sort out and express their feelings.

Book Review

A compassionate book about the sensitive subject of pregnancy loss is We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schweibert. It’s written in plain language and beautifully illustrated. It has the feel of easy poetry, as the emotions are plainly expressed.

This book is about a family who lost their baby. It is written from a child’s voice, the boy in the family who was to be the big brother. He looks to be about 4 years old. He talks very simply about all the members of his family, his mom, dad, and grandparents and how they feel. The family dog accompanies him throughout the story.

In the beginning of the book, the mom is pictured as being in the last trimester of her pregnancy, as her belly is plain to see under her clothing. The whole family is happily awaiting the arrival of their new baby. There are several pictures showing the little boy imagining play scenes with his new sibling.

But then, as he says, something happened. And everyone is sad. The nursery is empty. And he is sad as well. There are pictures of how Mom, Dad and the grandparents are coping with their grief: cuddling a baby blanket, building a memory chest. At the end, he says, if this happened to you, I’m sorry, If you got an angel instead of a baby. But he thinks a baby would’ve been more fun. And the family is shown walking together, grieving and helping each other together. Life goes on.

This story is a great way to begin talking and listening to your child about losing a baby. It is a great staring point about how the different ways people mourn, about what each person hoped for with the baby and how this is now lost. The book helps children identify their hopes and dreams of being a big brother or sister and lets them express these feelings.

There are drawings of the baby as an angel throughout the book. As children can be very literal, it would be a good idea to ask the child what he or she thinks about angels and make sure it is not scaring them at some level.

This is a beautifully written and illustrated book expressing complex deep emotions in a very simple straightforward way. It is perfect to read to children. The emotions are expressed so beautifully that its message is comforting to adults as well. I know I cry every time I read it.

If you feel as if you you need someone to talk to about processing your experience, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Kathy Morelli, LPC, is currently accepting new clients and only practices using the HIPAA-compliant app called Doxy.me. Kathy accepts most insurance plans.

Please contact Kathy via her Psychology Today profile.

References:

Schweibert, P. (2003). We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead. Portland, Oregon: Grief Watch.

Trozzi, M. (1999). Talking with children about loss. New York: Perigree Books.